Blog Post #2- The maternal instinct

I have grown up knowing the axiom, “a mother loves her child when she’s pregnant, and a father loves his child when he sees it.” By this line of logic, one would argue that a father would have a hard time loving his child before it is born, simply because he has not seen it, felt it, or cared for it whatsoever. In contrast, one would argue that the love a mother has for her child is instinctual during pregnancy because she is literally caring for it, protecting it, and it is a part of her. During our reading, the fathers of children born out of wedlock are continually portrayed as…uninterested. As Solinger explains, “the sexual partners of these women recognized the vulnerability of these girls…and used that vulnerability to escape their own responsibility for their sexual adventure, for the pregnancy, and for parenthood,” (73). When the babies were given up for the adoption, we can only assume the men didn’t care. In contrast, when the babies were lost, the women were almost always devastated, to say the least. Put succinctly, one woman explained, “The grief was so intense I thought I would die,” (74).

            From this assessment, it is easy to conclude that women simply have the maternal instinct where as men lack it. However, I do attribute much of this difference to the plain fact that men do not have any contact with their child until it is physically out of the womb. When a man in confronted with an unintended pregnancy, he does not feel the same responsibility for that child until he is truly caring for it. It’s a theory anyway…very easily disputable.

            Feminists might be cautious to make this assertion. It can be argued that the grief is so specifically intense for these women because not only are they losing their children, but the baby is more than often being wrenched away from them in a process that is completely dehumanizing, described as “teenage [slavery],” (75). The feminist claim is that a distinctly female maternal instinct takes the responsibility away from men and applies it solely to women. They may be more apt to argue that men have an equal role in parenthood, an equal responsibility to fight for the rights of a child, and an equal responsibility to stand up for a woman put in the situation of these 1940’s, 50’s, and 60’s birthmothers.

-Adam Kunkel

Blog post #1: Home study questions

When I first read through the questions for the home study, there weren't any specific questions that, on the surface, seemed to be too difficult to answer. However, once I started thinking about some of them and how the answers would be received in this situation, I realized that some of the answers to these questions would be very personal and may be difficult for individuals and couples to share with a stranger. It is important for these to be answered fully and honestly, though, because they allow the social worker to see if the couple will make good parents and if they can provide a healthy and safe environment for a child.

For me personally, the questions that would be the most difficult to answer were mostly related to the parenting philosophy. That is partly due to the fact that I am not definitively sure what all my answers would be for those questions but it is mostly because the pressure to come up with the "right" answers to those questions would be great. Intellectually I know that there really is not a right answer or even multiple right answers. The goal of these questions is to gauge whether or not the couple will make good parents. I guess that my thought on those questions is that if you are able to clearly and honestly communicate the parenting philosophy you follow and you put in the time and focus necessary to seriously answer the questions then as long as there are no red flags and the best interest is in the child, it will not be too much of an issue.

Prospective parents have to be willing to put thought and time into answering these questions, even those who are not starting a family through adoption. Discussing your parenting philosophy prior to having children helps build a stronger and more united relationship because then you know what each person is thinking and how each person would handle different situations. I believe that the questions that are being asked are the correct ones because they force people to think about how they would handle different situations and it encourages them to re-evaluate why it is they are taking this step. They have to have an idea of the step they are taking in their life; going into it without some type of planning or thoughts about the future is not very wise. They are committing themselves to a lifelong vocation as a parent which is not something one should do on a whim.

Blog One: Homestudy Questionare - A Time to Reflect

From my experience, personal reflection is one of the most difficult and time consuming tasks to complete. However, without reflection, one cannot thoughtfully explain their reasoning on how they make decisions. Taking time to consider what major life events have shaped preferences, personality, and conflict management is important for individual growth. 

That being said, I believe it would be beneficial for every person to take the time to evaluate their relationship both with their significant other and immediate family members. This is especially true for current relationship status with parents. It seems like many problems that arise within the family have to potential to transfer to many other relationships in life. From the Children’s Home Society and Family Services Homestudy questionnaire, questions presented included “describe your childhood” and “what were your parents like”. Being able to thoroughly answer these questions allows the applicant to identify certain traits that are similar to their parents, both good and bad. It also allows the applicant to think what they liked and disliked about their childhood, and why that may be. Therefore, it would be to the advantage of the individual to reflect on their past experiences and how they have affected their personal development.

I think the answers given will give an agency a good picture if the prospective parents will be successful adoptive parents. Completing the entire list of questions takes a lot of self assessment and evaluation of past and current relationships. Certain questions from the Homestudy questionnaire that would take an extended period to contemplate include “how were the transitions in your life” and “how do you plan to nurture”. These answers demonstrate the capabilities of the applicant as a potential parent and how they have taken the time to understand their personal parenting style. The answers would also highlight any warning signs or potential downfalls of the prospective parent. But how would one determine what is considered to be a “warning sign”? Does the quality of the applicant depend on the perception of the person evaluating the answers? Some face-to-face human interaction through interviewing would be beneficial in order to acquire a better sense if the parent has adequate communicating and social skills. It would also helpful to present a “what if” case and then have them answer accordingly. Overall, the answers require thoughtful reflection and present the opportunity for the potential parents to become more knowledgeable of who they are and how that will translate into their parenting style. 

The Homestudy Questionnaire (blogpost 1)

Knowing little about the adoption process, I was previously unaware of the homestudy and the home-study questionnaire. There were a number of questions that appeared to be easy to answer, like who lives in your house, what is your job, and what are your financial assets (CHSFS Homestudy Questions). However, there were other questions that I am not sure I would really think about without someone prompting me to, these are the questions that I would find difficult to answer. It does not seem as though it would be difficult to come up with an answer, the difficulty, for me at least, would lie in the anxiety I would feel in coming up with the answer I would think as the “right one,” or the one that would allow me to adopt a child. I would imagine that someone going through this process could potentially spend hours agonizing over their responses, second guessing what they have said, wondering how their answers will be interpreted by those who hold the fate of their future adoption in their hands.

            I found it interesting that many of the questions asked of the prospective adoptive parents are somewhat similar to those one may be asked in a job interview. The questions that asked you to do some self-reflection and maybe even address certain aspects of your life that are kind of automatic. “How do you communicate?” or “How do you make decisions?” (CHSFS Homestudy Questions) I fell as though some of those aspects of a relationship are innate or are something that comes about organically throughout the course of a relationship. I think that these are interesting question because they would make you actually stop and think, “oh, how do we or I do that?” Also, I think, through talking about things like that it could potentially strengthen a relationship, and in turn possibly make family even stronger and better adoptive parents.   

            An interesting question that was posed as part of the blogpost prompt was, “should non-adoptive parents have to go through a similar reflection process?” I found this an interesting idea to entertain. I work at a pool over the summer, and have seen some, what I would consider questionable, parenting styles. I am positive that on more than one occasion one of my coworkers or myself has muttered, “you should need to take a test to have a kid.” This question also prompted me to approach these questions not only from the side of an adoptive parent, but as from the side of the social worker. While being a parent is undoubtedly a huge responsibility, I started to also consider the pressure and anxiety that the social worker and people at the adoption agency must feel when considering placing a child with a family. These aren’t concerns that, to me at least, seem to be considered when a couple has a child of their own. Rarely are the couples’ communication skills questioned, or the values assessed. At the end of the day they have a kid whether or not they will be good par and loving parents. It seems to me to be another one of the situations that points out how unfair life can be. It’s unfair the there are people out there that desperately want to love and parent a child and will never get that opportunity because of bureaucracy, biology, or quirks of the legal system. These people are individuals that would be wonderful parents, and on the other hand there are people out there that are able to have children that are less than stellar parents. I fully understand that the world is flawed and can be incredibly unfair sometimes, but after thinking about all of this for awhile I can’t get over how much I wish that the world would be fair at least in this regard. I wish that people that want and would make good parents would get to be parents, and I wish that all kids were able to get the loving homes and families that they deserve. I wish that kids and parents stuck in crappy situations on both sides found circumstances that would benefit both the children and the parents to the fullest extent.

            The thought process that this assignment provoked made me realize even more how amazing adoption is. How it changes nearly everyone involved lives, I would imagine and hope, for the better.    

You just have to get past the awkwardness...

It certainly took some imagination, but as I went deeper and deeper into the mindset of a prospective adoptive parent, I started to understand how this form would cause a twinge of awkward feelings. It’s always a bit weird to be evaluated, but we’re used to that in our jobs and schoolwork. I don’t know anyone, however, who’s used to being evaluated in his or her personal relationships. Can you imagine if your friend sat down with you to discuss your performance over the past six months for your role as “buddy?” With that being said, while it may be awkward to be evaluated as a prospective parent, I do believe it is an essential service, if the child is a ward of the state. In a situation such as foster care, there is no legal guardian who is there to look out for the best interests of the child and make sure that a proper home is chosen, so this responsibility falls to the state. Furthermore, I DO believe that it would be a useful exercise for all potential parents, because a sad fact of this world is that many children suffer by being born into unfit families. However, no person has or deserves the power to dictate the process of child bearing, so this remains only an ideal and never a reality.

I felt that many of the questions on this questionnaire were fair and important. Sections 2-5 center around the living conditions in which the child will be reared, which is of course of the utmost importance. While some parents may differ in ideologies, by screening for parenting style, agencies may be able to catch problematic situations (if the parents are honest enough with their answers). The one question that surprised me was “What has been the most difficult situation you have experienced?” I guess it could shed light on a parent’s ability to react to stressful situations, but at this point, it seems more like a job interview to me than an adoption review.

All in all, I found the questions to be fairly straightforward and relevant. I believe that the awkwardness and anxiety parents feel throughout this process is simply due to their utmost desire to finally bring their new child home. While it is surely difficult for prospective parents to go through this process, I think it is an essential process for finding problem situations that may harm a child’s well being.

We found many things interesting and problematic. One aspect that was surprising to find out after reading the first chapter in Adoption Nation, was the cost of adoption. "[families]...take out bank loans to pay the $20,000 to $40,000 it typically takes to adopted a baby in this  country or a child from abroad."It was also interesting to learn about the history of adoption. For example adoption was only approved in England in 1926. We thought that is was shocking to find that it had taken so long for the process to become legal, and it lead us to wonder how adoption had been carried out before the ruling.

We also began to wonder whether or not adoption, to some degree, adoption could be seen as a status symbol. Recently many celebrities have gained attention by publicizing their adoptions. The cost of adoption could potentially make adoption a status symbol. With the cost being upwards of $40,000, it could definitely be seen as a limiting factor for many families. 

The language used to describe both people who are adopted, as well as the parents of adopted children was particularly interesting to us. Not everyone knows someone who is adopted, but we can all control how we speak to others with respect to adoption. Knowing that one's words on the subject could greatly affect someone with close ties to adoption, we have realized the importance of educating oneself on the correct language is important in approaching this topic.

As we examined the issues facing adoption, the enormous potential juxtaposed to its mounting problems and pressures, we became keenly aware of the progress that can be made. We are studying an issue that contains both an ideal and a present reality. We are truly diving into what seems like Apples and Oranges.

Individually, our names are Adam, Mary, Lindsey, and Gretchen, but we don't like to think of it that way. While we are a mix of majors, talents, and hair colors, we are united as a group, and for the duration of this blog, that is the way we'll stay. Our blogs will challenge the way you think, perceive, and understand not only adoption, but the world in general. Keep an open mind, and maybe, just maybe, we'll finish this journey together. Thank you for reading our blog.